I have lots of insecurities as I turn 25, probably because I had high hopes and dreams when I was younger. In other words, I failed to attain my visions for myself at this age. Inappropriately, as a result, I tend to see myself as piteous as my entire frustrations blow out of proportion. These frustrations clout my judgment and darken my acceptance for blessings I've been given.
Guiltily, I feel good self-pitying sometimes. It boils the dormant motivations hidden within me and makes me burst with fighting spirit just to end up wallowing in self-pity once again. It’s a vicious cycle, a tempting loop that no one should enter.
Expectations are the best set of personal standards if they stay on the realms of reality. But what if even realistic expectations turn out to be as implausible as wild dreams? It certainly is subjective and although other people regard me the other way around, my insecurities still pull me down to dampen, rotten spirit.
I’m bitter, but I think I have valid reasons. Let me enumerate the “before and after” of my one score and half a decade of existence.
Hopes: I’d be a published writer by the time I reach 25.
Reality check: I only had one article published in Malaya Business Insight but mind you, it had no byline. I also won FHM’s True Story for November 2008 issue but out of decency, of course, I didn’t use my real name (although the story is in fact, a fiction). But oh, I had one published in Bar Room Jokes in the same issue under my real name and one for my cousin in Ladies’ Confessions!
I tried completing Tagalog romance novels for PHR (Precious Hearts Romances; the largest Tagalog novel publisher in the country). I now have three novels, all of which have half already written, but none finished.
Hopes: I’d be a Palanca Hall of Famer (the Pulitzer of the Philippines).
Reality Check: I have outlines, character sketches and synopses. Stories? Nada. I guess the P75,000 cash prize isn’t enough motivation for my languid spirit.
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Hopes: I’d be driving my own car (a fully-paid, brand new car)!
Reality Check: I couldn’t even afford a scooter. Seriously, I closed my bank account and now live on a per paycheck basis after I felt the P2,000 maintaining fee too much for my earnings. Now tell me that I’m just overreacting.
I have tons of debts and loans – from bank, government, personal (as in borrowed from friends) – before I reached 23 years old. I used the money on my mom’s therapy and she’s absolutely the best reason to have debts for, but the mere fact that I wasn’t able to afford treatments on my own salary was a sign that I flunked that part.
If just for a consolation, we’re talking six figures here, so maybe I did well after all.
Hopes: I’d be attending homeowners’ association meetings representing my own, ahem, household.
Reality Check: No, I don’t have my own house yet, more so, a condo unit.
I’m not alone on this but somehow, I feel inadequate because I know some people who owned a house or condo unit at a younger age (either through parental or PAG-IBIG support). Please tell me you’re renting as well.
Nonetheless, I had our house renovated and bought some stuff like appliances, a few furniture and other fancy little things that I couldn’t afford most often than not.
Hopes: I’d be called a doctor – either PhD or DBA.
Reality Check: So far, I have no idea what it feels like to attend a postgrad class, but at least, I have a grasp on the pressure of thesis writing since I helped a friend finish her MBA thesis. She’s now in doctoral program.
I also have other friends who’ve either finished graduate school or are still purging their brains out just for the title. I feel a little jealous every time I see them, but I somehow regain my confidence upon realizing that I am still way better than they are. LOL. Bitter me!
Seriously, the mere fact that not only one asked me to help them with their requirements makes me consider that my undergrad level is already their postgrad. LOL. Bitter me much!
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Hopes: I’d be an executive with my own office and executive high chair.
Reality Check: Okay, this one isn’t as easy as it sounds (unless you’re a COO, as in Child of the Owner). For that sake, I’m not ranting over it.
I’m pretty proud and confident of what I’ve achieved in this area. I was a desk editor for three and a half years and a freelance SEO writer. My current jobs are in corporate communications and business development, both at the same time. Not bad right, especially when you’re a team head on the side?
I love signing memos and resignation letters for some reason. The signing part makes me feel so authoritative.
So what am I being bitter at? Friend, this is not the call center industry where even fresh graduates can earn office manager-level salaries. My positions don’t automatically come with high pay. That even makes it harder for me to see lowly-ranked employees earn more than I do (now I sound so evil, don’t I?).
They hold iPHONEs when I own basic bar phone with torch light (useful for dark alleys!). They do BBM while I can only text up to less than thousand characters. They enjoy Starbucks frapps while I sip Kopiko Kopiccino. They rush to Muji every payday while I do ocular visits to SM department store for the next 3-Day Sale.
PS. I did have my own office until…
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James Henry Abrina is an editor, writer, SEO specialist and currently a Corporate Communication Professional, Market Desk Strategist, Business Development Officer and Unit Head for Business Profiles Incorporated.
He currently specializes in security management and business intelligence. Together with the company, he advocates Business Continuity Planning to change how the Philippine business sector sees the definition of crisis response and management.
For more useful information, read his articles at Triond and Masscom Tutor. Or his EzineArticles page.
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